Rebukes and stern warnings of “Don’t even dare to try it” were always what I got as a reply anytime I tried so hard to ask the question, “What is sex?”. My parents were staunch Christians who wouldn’t want to jeopardize their beliefs over things that seemed “worldly”. Their indoctrinations made one to by default be a dedicated and consecrated person that was free from the Adamic nature of sin; so mentioning such was having that nature intertwined with your DNA. So My head banged when I turned and saw it was 7:30; I almost cursed my alarm but my phone screen proved me wrong when it showed repeated unanswered snoozing. Aaaaahhhh! I tried getting up but my head bolted me to the bed; \”Not today Satan\” I said with an ounce of faith. Mum came to the rescue with her Lipton therapy and in few minutes the pounding reduced. I was able to do a few things, had breakfast, bathe and left the house for an epic journey.\nmy questions were never entertained or answered but were outrightly opposed with Bible references right, left and centre with Samson as the case study; but all these were never solutions but rather created huge vacuums deep in me.
Now the Church also didn’t help calm my inquisitive roaring waters. They would always frighten you with tales of being possessed and loosing your “destiny” once you get down with any lady. “Once your deeds are done, Gbam! Thou art trapped forever”. All these invoked fear and not peace; I recall many of my friends fleeing away from a healthy communication with the opposite sex and vice versa. The only good thing we got were, “…….happy is the bed left undefiled”, so technically, my Church would be proud to have virgins flocking in and out of every service it held. Unknown to so many, my pious smiling face had so many unanswered questions from those sermons they preached.
School on the other hand, had two options; Do It or Don’t Do It. You had the choice to abstain and avoid certain “pains” that you might face or use a protection in doing it. But what about disobeying my parents? What about being “trapped and demon possessed” like the Church said? What about my desires of been laid to know what they warned and encouraged? What about the scenes seen in motion pictures on the box? They showed us styles and never had a word against it. Clearly, neither my parents nor the Church nor the school had answers for me. I guess it’s time I try society.
Imagine taking a trip to the Yankari game reserve or the Jos wildlife park, you’d get to see different species(some endangered and the others still in relevance). Some may look really domesticated and unharmful to you whereas others as you know are wild and you need no “Avoidance is key” notice to forewarn you about what lies ahead. Well, that’s how the world looks like. Some domesticated humans look even more gentler than a dove but they are even as deadly as a rattlesnake. That’s the world of uncertainty the society poised to be but it looked like they had my answers right with them. My domesticated harmless looking friends provided the answers anytime I asked; telepathically they knew what my lips would utter and answers were already there for me. Guess my Angels of light were right before me and I never knew.
I later realised though, that some of them were two faced and too fake to their faith but we all Christians and my parents had approved the societal kind of people that I hung out with; if only they knew! The truth is that most of us shared a sizeable marginal decimal point in parenting; so our victimisation and hidden truth forced us all to learn things by ourselves with ourselves and for ourselves. More like a “Parentographic Democracy”. We all hated our forceful taste of religiosity but you just have to go it! Period! Or end in not just your parents bad book but that of the Church! My societal friends rebranded my ideology with the mission stated mandate of “You Only Live Once(YOLO)”; so life was a “Offer still valid while stock lasts” anytime you have the “opportunity”.
One day on my way to a Charismatic Bible study, I passed a few of my societal friends and they beckoned on me to come over and chill. I had like 1 hour to Church, so deep down I thought within myself, “I’ll still make the early bird to Church so I could spare a few. A little “Hello” won’t hurt”. I headed towards their direction and to say “Hi” but my salutations caught up with the images I saw and the soft sounds that my ears heard. My feet felt cemented to the ground as I watched with keen interest what they also were seeing. “Fascinating isn’t it?” were the words I heard from only God knows where. I-did-not-know when I spent over 30 minutes joining the crowd of heads watching such “unholy” act as mother would say. Damn! I never wanted to excuse myself from such bliss but my senses met with reality when I heard echoing laughter all around me pointing towards my trousers! Bro, my little soldier stood at attention and was ready to match past on any parade ground available. Crazy! I blushed and hurriedly ran to the silent roads of the Jos museum to clear my head and chill in order to avoid further embarrassment. Peeping at my watch, time was against me on this brawl of earliness; I just had to springbok and run faster than a Cheetah would against a prey so that I could meet the Holy communion. But does a man who had just committed sin take the Holy communion?!
“Holy” is a word known by many, understood by some but lived by a few. So today of all days in the little space of life I’ve lived, my eyes became my Judas; but who saw me? No one except my peers who had always haunted my shadows with their taunting words. I lived with that guilt for the 28 minutes I stayed amongst the pew; but hey, I guess I had fully gained admission into their league of “Rightfully Wrong Doers” by passing the first unsuspecting initiation. I had the questions and they had the answers; so this was a win-win for all of us as we were like the trade-by-barter CEOs.
I walked into Church with the umbrella of trust and the rain coat of answers my societal friends had “offered” me(that vote of confidence is one I could rely in). My “welcome to Church” were my uncle’s hawking eyes that clearly projected two words, “you’re late”. One thing I hated most were their judgmental acts that they never failed to exhibit anytime I lost guard; people get a grip mehn! I sat close to my bestie Pamela and pretentiously buried my head in the New King James Bible that was on my lap, my head were fighting both the images I saw few minutes ago and the Deacon’s words of, ” Before you take the communion, search yourself, repent and rededicate your life back to your Creator. Don’t play the folly and use a bone face to take it. Yes the communion is a blessing but it is also a curse”. Immediately I went into a little soul searching and boom, within seconds, the tears of guilt came flowing uncontrollably. My head bent a little lower just to hide my poorly odd display of emotions from Pamela and the rest of the congregation that sat close to us. They will all be wild with amazement and shock seeing me(the lead tenor singer and youth musical director) in tears; tongues must definitely wag and in less than no distant time, my timely mistake would hit me anticlockwise(wait what am I saying?). I managed to wipe the little tears and said the never-ending anthem called the “Sinners Repentant Prayer” of, “Lord Jesus, I’m sorry. You know how these things are hard to control but easy to entertain but I promise never to repeat it. Just give me grace; let it be sufficient enough to face these life battles”. Someone said, “Amen” behind me and it was my mum. She touched my head in a way that showed happiness and pleasure(guess it’s not only the angels that rejoice over one soul that repents). She took the liberty to serve me the communion which I hurriedly took and kept muttering what I really can’t explain.
All through the ride home, dinner and night devotion, I kept a pious face devoid of suspicion but it all betrayed me because I couldn’t hide an anxious face. Father broke the jovial atmosphere by asking, “Ehen son. Why did you come late? Your uncle told me that you weren’t the early bird today so what happened?”. Lord deliver us from basketful tongued uncle; I managed to keep my cool, contain myself and said, “So sorry dad. Encountered a traffic chaos when coming to Church. It wouldn’t repeat itself sir”. Now I am getting close to the zenith of sin. Thought I just took communion? Isn’t it “Holiness” ought to bridle my tongue? God! Two major sins in one day? Lord I want to die! Due to my track record of sinlessness, father nodded in agreement and lightly warned me never to repeat such again.
Dinner and the night devotion were over, so there was little or nothing to do other than hang with the family but my conscience pricking guilt wouldn’t let me. I bade everyone “Goodnight” and rushed through the staircase to my room. Time for a little me time; but this “me” time wasn’t all for me. I was in shredded in pieces. A part of me wanted peace, another wanted repentance, another salvation and the last parr wanted to see the video again. The video was just 4minutes and I faced a public disgrace when it was at 3:49 on the timer. The sweet melodies I heard and perfect images I saw threw over Jonah’s ship. I thought within myself that I’d have to go back there tomorrow and watch the video from start to finish with a well behaved mindset. Mother always bragged about my fruit of the spirit been Self-controled; so no need to panic or embarrass myself again.
I never realised that I had spent over 6 hours tossing and rolling on my bed until my bed opened a little and mum came in to see me “studying” my Bible; had to think and act fast. She smile and walked out(if only she knew); it was as she left that my red eyes saw the wall clock read 4:05am. Jesuuuu! I need at least 2 hours 55 minutes before I wake and run a couple of things before leaving the house for an adventure.
My head banged when I turned and saw it was 7:30; I almost cursed my alarm but my phone screen proved me wrong when it showed repeated unanswered snoozing. Aaaaahhhh! I tried getting up but my head bolted me to the bed; “Not today Satan” I said with an ounce of faith. Mum came to the rescue with her Lipton therapy and in few minutes the pounding reduced. I was able to do a few things, had breakfast, bathe and left the house for an epic journey.
Excited, confused, scared yet determined were my emotions as I got closer to the gate of one of my “innocent looking societal friends”. As I approached the gigantic black gate, my inner voice said, “Go back John” but mehn that would prove I was a weakling, it’d also mean my late night pretentious Bible reading was a waste. So going back wasn’t an option I was going to take. I MUST see this today, whether the trumpets blows or not. At least, let me have a testimony and be amongst those that’d have a “Sinner’s graceful testimony” whenever my group was going put for evangelism. Pretty cool and classic, isn’t it? When I got to my destination and pressed the door bell and got no rushed reply, I asked God for forgiveness and quietly turned back to head home before I had my friend’s voice. “Bro, what’s up man? Were you leaving thinking that nobody’s home?”; hmmmmm, dear God, please in your bountiful tender mercies and loving kindness, forgive me because I can feel that my tongue is about to betray me by causing me to lie. “Baba, no vex faah! I thought no one was home since neither your gateman nor any of you answered my door bell; so I just said let me stroll down to the departmental store to get a packet of pure bliss and return to try my luck”. God! What is happening to me? Two straight lies barely few hours after I took the Holy communion? Aaaaaaaahhhh!!! What happened to the never failing steadfast faith I had? Was I slowing becoming a Pharisee? What is going on? I need Jesus! But on a second thought, was I really lying?
Henry my friend laughed at me and walked away with an estranged lady who apparently looked like a visitor; now, forgive my curiosity but what would a lady be doing by this time of the day at a guy’s home? I knew we were in the examination period but isn’t this too early? Judging from her looks, she looked like someone within my age bracket, so what’s up? Is there something that I’m not knowing? She looked shy and had the mark of anxiety when she saw me, so what happened?. Henry came back after he gave the “estranged” girl a 15 second hug. “Bro, that girl tight gon! Damn! Her thighs are sweeter than a honeycomb. Mehn, baba, those few minutes were like listening to you lead praise and worship at Church on Sundays. She’s an inspiration walahi; I feel like recording a love song with you taking the hook gee”. Ok, now, should I cry, laugh, mourn or agree with what I am hearing?
Henry has been my “dawg” since childhood, although he was 2 years older than me, we were inseparable like twins. We had this connection that nobody could explain. He started his education a bit late and that made us classmates by defaults. He was a PK as his father was a well seasoned, spirited and worded evangelist; he was also the chairperson of the Pentecostal Fellowship of Nigeria(PFN) but Henry my friend and his siblings were the similar opposite to what their father stood for. Henry loved Jesus to the core but His doctrines, he never upheld; he and Christ shared the same story book but were always on different pages. A top notch gospel rapper who wouldn’t hesitate to “wrap-her” anytime he had the opportunity to have a little one-on-one physical conversation with the opposite sex. Only I and a few people knew the nature of this guy; but hey he’s my bro.
“Y0′ gee, this one that you did your “early bird” movement to my home, hope I am safe?”. Henry asked as we got to the private sitting room. I was about stating my mission when his mother bumped into us. “Hey my boy John, how are you? It’s been a while since I last saw you. I’ve missed you son. How are your parents and siblings? Hope they’re Ok? How’s preparation for exams? I know you’re studying hard to make us proud. I’m off to see your mum and together we’d go for the convention at Church. God bless you”. How do I reply her? And did she just say it’s “been a while since I last saw you”? Now this explains my friend’s lifestyle. Before I could say “Jack”, she dashed in and out and left the house.
You see, one thing about my friend’s was that they never practiced what they preached. His parents knew every Biblical referenced material but never exercised anything they read in black and white. They preached the best of sermons, sang the sweetest hymns, did the most excellent evangelism but all these were reflected in their family life. Their home was more of a “You live, you learn” ironic in reality kind of den; so you grew as you liked alongside as you have “CHRIST” in you. Hmmmmm, so much for the freehand and “Christ likeness” they had!.
I told Henry why I had come; he laughed but surprisingly congratulated me for quit been naïve and taking the big step. Are my legs not too small for these “big steps”?. He showed me his laptop, clicked on a folder on his home screen tagged “SICK”. All I saw there were limitless collections of both gospel and secular poetry and Hip Hop albums. I was perplexed not-so-pleased. My anger was on the verge of hitting the pinnacle when I saw a folder called “YOLO” trying to open. When it finally opened, boom, my young virgin eyes were exposed to another world. A world preached against yet practiced.
“I was sinking deep in sin
Far from the peaceful shore
Very deeply stained within
Sinking to rise no more
But the master of the sea
Heard my despairing cry
Now from the waters lifted me
Now safe am I.
Love lifted me
Love lifted me
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me……….”
I recall the day that I led this song mixed with a touch of Amazing Grace, the whole congregation broke down in tears and prayers of mercy, repentance, forgiveness and grace filled the air. People were giving and rededicating their lives back to Christ. I remember the Pastor laying his hands on me and praying that I never decline in grace and glory. Ironic! If all these people saw me right here and right now in front of an Apple laptop, I know that their heads would shake in dismay, disapproval and disappointment. Lord! I have failed virtually everyone but haven’t everyone failed me when I needed them the most? I have pains and wounds for ages and nobody had the healing cure or therapy to it, so let me utilize this opportunity of learning. Besides if they disagreed with my present act, what would they have to say about Henry? I mean, I met him seeing a lady off who practically came for “round one” and he was already giggling and double checking his drawers to know if the latex he kept were still intact because it seems that another lady was coming for the afternoon session. Crazy! So hey, let me live my life for me!
I kept watching those motion pictures with an unexplainable taste of fear. From 4 minutes to 11, 14, 23, 30 and even 45 minutes were how long I kept watching as many as possible. Mehn, I’ve got to confess, this is freakishly addictive; but as my new planted addiction kept growing, I noticed that 12percent of my vacuum were been filled. Also I felt the presence of a few muted shadows around me. Hmmmmmmm, there are no words! I kept readjusting myself and swallowing hard my saliva but Henry mocked me with his ceaseless laughter and words. Henry’s clock alarmed me that I might have overstayed my welcome. Time read 1600hrs on my wristwatch. Jesus! What excuse would I give at home? I am doomed! I knew it was time to think and act fast or else, prepare for eternal damnation! I picked up the Chemistry textbook on the study table that I was using, was about leaving when Henry said, “My guy, when you turn science student? Thought you’re Aristotle junior?”. “Ooh! I been think say na Literature exam focus I been carry” I replied to hide my guilt and anxiety. I hurried picked up the Literature exam focus, sped down the stairs and dashed out of the compound.
The road to the house were slow and calculated as my head drifted on so many highroads. From the videos to what’s next to home to exams to who to practice what I saw with. This was hard! My headphones and playlist weren’t even helping matters. It’s like the Holy spirit was in control of the shuffling of my songs. How will it play KB-Mr. Pretender and then enter “You Christians Should Fix Up Your Lives” by Kaybee? Mehn in frustration, I plugged off my headphones and offed my phone. “Henry’s place will be a “No-no” from now on if I scale through all these” was my salient vow as I opened the gate. “Nobody is at home. They all went out to Mees palace to watch a movie and wouldn’t be back till 9pm. Your food is in your room. I’m going home” were the departing words of aunty Ronke. Father Lord, thank you! This is victory for me. Now, I have time to feed my eyes and fill my soul. I rushed to my room, flipped open my laptop, connected it to my hotspot, clicked on my browser and typed in the website(I inquisitively got it from both Henry and the top screen of his laptop. So I had a photographic memory of it). I was on video two when Pamela walked in.
Episode V(The Finale)
Hmmmmmmm, I’d have told you much but that might be for another day. Well, just so you know, the society never helped me. Neither did school or friends. Rather I have gotten myself into much trouble.
After Henry introduced me into a world of porn and Pamela walked into my room. Everything changes completely. I lost interest in things Godly and holy, gave up on reading my books, Church sounded like an abomination to me and worst still, I have gotten myself into deeper dirt than I could even fathom.
Pam walked into my room that day and her curiosity forced me to let her into a world that I just got initiated to. Things took a dramatic turn as that day birthed a life cycle of reoccurring sex and love making. We repeatedly met and as we grew in loving lust, our conscience dead as we could do the unspeakable anytime, anywhere and any day. Church, school, home, you name it. I was enjoying every moment but was every moment really enjoyable?
I was lying on my bed on a very good day when my phone lit up with a message from Pam that read, “Please check your WhatsApp. There’s a little trouble in paradise”. My reflex were faster than any cheetah you might have seen as I checked my inbox and saw, “Boo I’m pregnant”; Jesus! This spelt war. Pregnant? How? Why? Thought she always took care of herself since I trusted her not to use a condom. What have I gotten myself into?!
Should I run to a therapist or the pastor? I am one man with two decisions here because I have failed everybody and myself.